Walking Home

At the end of October, my wife Mia asked if I could pick up our 15-year-old son Kepha, who attends Calvert Hall High School. I had flown back from Birmingham, Alabama, to tape a couple episodes on the Women of Grace show about our small groups book. (I know, I am obviously neither a woman, nor is grace usually the first thing people think of when people think of me.) Anyway, I had just gotten back in town, and it worked perfectly for me to pick Kepha up at school. Since I had not eaten, I stopped by the Chick Fil A and bought us each a meal and him a milkshake as well. I was looking forward to surprising him with the meal and the milkshake and putting a smile on his face.

After going through the drive-thru at Chick Fil A, I drove over to his school and texted Kepha that I was there. He texted back, “I just need one second.” Then I waited…and I waited…and I waited. I watched as the milkshake began to melt. And since I had been traveling all day, I was eager to get home and, quite honestly, was a bit hangry since I was waiting to eat with him. After about 20 minutes, I texted, “Kepha, I’m leaving in 3 minutes, and you will have to walk home if you are not here.” No response. I drove home, which is about a 10-minute car ride from Calvert Hall and an hour-long walk.

It wasn’t until I got home 10 minutes later that he texted back.
His first text was, “Sorry.” Then he texted, “Wait, what?”
“You can walk home,” I texted back.

He had never walked home from the school, so I knew this was going to be a challenge simply because it would be the first time. He pleaded with me that he was sorry and asked me to come get him.

Then he texted, “I’m not walking.”
I texted back, “That’s the only way you’re getting home.”
Then he texted, “I don’t know the way.”
It isn’t complicated, so I texted, “Take a left out of the school and a right onto Putty Hill.” He would be able to figure it out from there.
Again, he texted, “I’m not walking. I’m in my school shoes.”

I knew I was pushing him a bit, even if it was very doable. And as a father, I didn’t want him to feel like I was abandoning him or even punishing him. I felt that I was disciplining him, not punishing.

As parents, leaders or managers, we have to recognize the difference between disciplining and punishing.

Discipline shares a similar root to disciple. Discipline looks to teach people. It is a form of discipleship. The book of Hebrews tells us, “the Lord disciplines those whom he loves.” (Hebrews 12:6) Sometimes our job is to help the people we lead feel the consequences of their decisions. It’s not about retribution; it’s about helping them grow. I wanted Kepha to feel the weight of making me wait. Also, I wanted him to walk home because I knew he could do it, and it would help him grow. After he accomplished it, he would have more confidence in himself, but he couldn’t gain that confidence without actually doing it.

At the same time, I was fighting my own feelings of annoyance at him. Again, I didn’t want to be driven by that emotion, but by what was truly best for him. So, I put the phone down, stepped back from my own emotions, and thought about what would be the way to show that I was for him and yet not coddle him.

After a moment, I texted him, “Start walking, and I’ll meet you halfway.” That seemed to move him out of being stuck emotionally, and he said, “Okay.” I needed fresh air, our dog Teddy needed a walk, and I was determined that my son would walk home. So, I started walking to meet him halfway.

Our paths crossed a little sooner than I thought because he is a much faster walker. I had hoped we would walk home together. That didn’t happen. He just kept walking. But despite it not being perfect, I felt like that it was one of my better parenting moments.

The full quote from Hebrews I referenced above is this:
“You have also forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as sons:
My son, do not disdain the discipline of the Lord or lose heart when reproved by him; for whom the Lord loves, he disciplines; he scourges every son he acknowledges.”
(Hebrews 12:5-6)

After you consider my story and the quote from Hebrews, allow me to offer two applications for your leadership.

One: God uses our life experiences to disciple and discipline us.

He does this because he loves us. Recently I was feeling some pressure from our Rebuilt Board on a particular issue. It felt unfair. I wondered if I was supposed to fight them on the issue. I asked God about it and then the reading from Mass was the passage from Hebrews. I heard it and thought “maybe that is for me.” The next morning, I woke up with the issue on my mind and feeling all the same thoughts and questions. I asked God what was going on. I did my Bible reading for the morning and again the Hebrews passage came up. It was clear to me that I was to take the Board’s challenge to me as from the Lord and I was to listen to them.

If you are facing a challenge right now, know that God is using it in some way to discipline and disciple you. Lean into him and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. What does God want you to do or to learn from the struggle?

Two: As leaders, we are to build layers of leaders.

As a leader, try to use circumstances and events to grow the people you lead. Don’t rush in and solve their problems. If you do that, they will never grow. Give opportunities to the people you lead to figure out problems. Often, people are slow to figure out problems and will ask you as a boss for an answer because it is just easier. Our job is not to make their lives easier but to help them grow.

Andy Stanley tells pastors and leaders to get in the habit of saying, “You decide.” Let them “walk home from school” so they learn that they can do it. Maybe you can meet them halfway if they are unsure of themselves. Let them know you support them but you won’t solve their problems.

Remember, God is using the struggles others face to help them grow. Don’t get in God’s way. If you are unsure, ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom and counsel.

Rooting for you,
Tom