Fight or Withdraw?
Jan 27, 2025
For my prayer time I read the daily Mass readings and reflect on a passage or verse that hits me. If nothing strikes me, I’ll read a commentary on the Gospel. Recently, I read a reflection on this verse: “When Jesus realized this, he withdrew from that place.” (Matthew 12:15)
Prior to this, Jesus heals a man with a withered hand on the Sabbath. He does this knowing that it will anger the Pharisees who, for various reasons, take a hard line against healing or doing any good on the Sabbath. The healing creates such outrage with the Pharisees that they begin plotting on how to put Jesus to death. Jesus realizes it and withdraws from them to de-escalate the conflict.
Here’s what Curtis Mitch and Edward Sri wrote in their commentary on the passage:
“ Matthew next shows how Jesus’ withdrawal is not a setback but a part of God’s plan as foretold in Old Testament prophecy…spoken through Isaiah the prophet in chapter 42:1-4.
Matthew quotes the first four verses of this prophecy, which highlight how the Lord’s servant will accomplish this mission through meekness and humility—a theme that fits perfectly with Jesus’ move at this point in his ministry. ”
Jesus shows us a key insight about leadership and life. There are times when we need to step into conflict and even do what we know will intensify it - and times when we need to de-escalate or withdraw from potential conflict. This will be especially true if you are seeking to change your parish culture so that it welcomes outsiders and invests in the next generation.
The question becomes: how do we know when to fight and how do we know when to withdraw?
First, we can pray and ask for God’s wisdom. God, are you calling me into the conflict or not? God does call us into conflict or battle sometimes. And if we don’t engage we miss out on the blessings. It was the Israelites refusal to engage in conflict that kept them out of the Promised Land and wandering the desert for 40 years. We can seek God’s counsel through prayer.
Second, understanding our priorities. Recently, my wife and I were deciding whether to advocate for our son about taking a class at school. I would not put it on a level of conflict, but it would mean a meeting or at least an e-mail going against the decision of the school. New to the school, I don’t want to be seen as a problem parent, but of course I want what is best for my son. I asked him, “On a scale of 1-5, how important is it for you to take the class?” He said, “Five.” That sealed it for me. Then I made up this axiom: fight for fives.
If something matters that much to you and is of importance. Fight for it.
If it is not that important - don’t. Probably fight for fours. Threes probably don’t deserve a fight and ones and twos definitely don’t.
On a scale of 1-5, healing was a five for Jesus so he fought for it. Then he withdrew because he had made his point and whatever conflict was coming next was not worth it.
Third, know yourself. Some people are conflict avoiders. Some people love a good fight. You have to know your general disposition. Personally, I am a little both. Fr. Michael, my pastor and ministry partner, says about me, “You want peace until you want war.” He’s totally right. If I get pushed for a while then I want to fight. In both cases I have to watch my flesh or fallen self. If I am just avoiding conflict to avoid a difficulty and make life easy on myself, that’s not a good reason to withdraw or back away.
If you avoid conflict out of comfort, ease, or because you are afraid others will not like you or don’t want to make others mad - that’s not a good reason to avoid conflict.
And if you just want to fight to expel your anger - then that is not a good reason to have the conflict. We engage in conflict so that something better will come from it not just to let off steam or to put someone in their place.
Fourth, know the season and timing. This is what prayer helps us discern. There is a time for conflict and a time for withdrawal. Often it depends upon the season. There are times when you need to draw the line. At Nativity, we did this for our parish in what is called the "get off the bus" speech. Fr. Michael said that we were going to change our consumeristic culture and if you did not want to be a part of it, it would be a good time to get off the bus.
Usually, the right time for conflict comes after we have tried other avenues. Or it is clear that we can no longer go around a problem, we have to go through it and that will mean conflict. Or we are experiencing a holy discontent, it’s not unrighteous anger but a righteous anger that the situation has to change. Then it is time to invite the conflict.
Jesus shows us there is a time for conflict and a time to withdraw or help a situation settle down. We neither want to be a leader that stirs up unnecessary conflict or one that backs down. We won’t always get it right, but we can commit to be leaders who learn to discern the proper time for each.
Rooting for you,
Tom